me me me

I have been house-sitting for my grandma a lot lately. I love being here because of the pool, my dog LuLu and having the option of being completely alone or having a party. Right now I am alone.

I have been cooking a lot lately, which is really strange. I have never ever in my life enjoyed cooking but I was looking through the cook books at B&N and found one that seemed fun. I have made dinner 3 out of 4 nights since then. Last night was definitely the best ever and the dessert was killer too. Apparently Kevin woke up at 6:30 this morning and ate a bunch of the dessert and then went back to sleep.

I am spending tonight with no one but LuLu and the TV. I didn't even bring my laptop over here because when I do I end up getting headaches from lurking too many blogs or spend way too much money online-shopping.

Amy and I are going to San Francisco on the 16th. I've never been but everyone tells me I'll love it. (Except for Kevin, he thinks it's funny that I am so excited to go there because he doesn't like it at all.) A and I are going to stay with my friend Kelli Towner. I met Kelli at Hume Lake when I was 16 and we've remained close friends ever since. She is from San Diego but has lived in San Francisco for about a year now and it's about time I go visit!

Today I saw Bruno and I regret it. I feel like I was a better person before I made the decision to watch that movie. That's never a good feeling.


PS
Should I dye my hair red again?

weekend update

The weekend was GREAT! I love summer holidays. I am so BEAT right now. Let's go all the way back to Saturday (because it's already Tuesday morning and I can't remember anything further.)

Saturday was the 4th. I had a pool party at my grandparents' house in Highland since they religiously spend Independence Day in Big Bear. I had the house decorated the day before so Saturday morning all I had to worry about was getting to Amy Highland's house in time for waffles. Yum!

After waffles we all came back to my house and around noon people started piling in. We swam, BBQd, ate, partied, whatever. I was so happy to see so many of my friends.

Around 8 we all went to the U of R to watch fireworks as a big group and met up with some more people down there. (Joanna was holding cupcakes in her hands when I walked up... what a woman!) The fireworks were sweet and then we went home.














I don't have a camera so these are ALL stolen photos. Thank you Jess, Angi and Josh.

Sunday- Kevin and I went out to Westminster in the morning to eat dim sum. It was the BEST. I love this place that Amy showed me. I am going to attempt to make dim sum an every-sunday thing. We'll see. We stopped by Victoria Gardens on the way home and he bought a new pair of pants! We had been searching for new jeans for EVER and he is so picky and so hard to find jeans for. They're all too baggy or too short. He finally found a pair he liked so I was pumped.

We got back to my grandma's house and swam in the pool. It was perfect and we had so much fun. I got ready and met up with Angi to go to the Hollywood Bowl. We went to see Tegan & Sara and Death Cab with the LA Philharmonic! It was a really cool show. I wish we would have known to bring a sandwich and a bottle of wine but we won't forget next time.

Monday- Woke up at 7:30. Rested my eyes until almost 11:00. And by resting my eyes I mean full on sleeping with dreams and everything. Lunch and tea with Rosa at Stell, work, Kevin, errands and then Jess's birthday dinner at Kabuki! It was a surprise and she is pretty sneaky so I was worried she would have figured it out before she got there but she totally was surprised and it was awesome! We all ate sushi and I had a delicious pomegranate drink that made my grouch-be-gone and it was a really good hang-out. I got to sit across from Oliver's handsome face and dinner and I love that. Only one downer about being at Victoria Gardens last night... Kevin returned the jeans. Haha... try, try again.





I just got home this morning for the first time in almost a week! I was house-sitting and I missed being here with my mama but I got home and no one is here. Not my brothers, not my mom, I wonder if Danielle is here? I'm hungry.

higher, higher.

very happy today. things are getting easier. i can breathe! chase is doing well, he is living at a sober living house and going to meetings every day. this morning he even called me to tell me he went to church. big deal. yesterday morning i woke up early and hung out with shaye. we went to breakfast and saw the proposal. she's great. then kevin and i spent the day at victoria gardens and saw sleeping giant and davey's band last night in yucaipa. fun fact: yesterday marks 1/2 a year since kevin said "so, you down to be my girlfriend or what?" ahhh... he just knows how to melt my heart. today clay, kevin and i went to riverside and picked up chase so we could all go to the mall. it was really awesome to be with both of my brothers! then we took chase home and went to the country club to swim. i got on clay's back and we dove off of the high-dive together. (ouch.) i am watching degrassi and thinking about getting ready for church soon. 2 showers in 1 day is SO not my style but i don't want green hair. bye!


oh my god ps... let me talk about chris crocker for a minute. i am well aware that everyone hates him and i hate his britney videos and stuff too but i have loved him since junior year in high school because of his videos like THIS.



and i think he is hilarious because of pictures like THESE.









that... is all.

i am pretty sure every part of me is tired...

body. check.
mind. check.
soul. check.

carynn is tired.

high apple pie in the sky hopes

today seems good. it's only 10:19 am and I'm still in bed but I just know... you know? I am listening to the new Regina Spektor and Sleeping Giant. Both making my day. Also--- today is the first day of Art Camp at My Gym. It's an 8-week camp and every Wednesday a bunch of 3-6 year old baby bilkins are gonna come do arts and crafts with ME. There is a different theme every week. Today- rainbow fish. Next week- Andy Warhol. So stoked! Plus, tonight when I get off I get to see my beautiful boyfriend who I miss ever-so-much! And we're going to Disneyland with some friends. Please come?

happy fathers day, mom.

babe wanted some tools for fathers day... done and done. we spent the day cuzzin' at grandma's house and hanging out with family. it was a great fathers day for my mama!


and an update-
my brother is doing really well and i totally appreciate everyone's prayers and everything. love love love

Entirely

Drained
Exhausted
Sad
Empty
Full
Heavy
Broken

Today wasn't easy. Today I believe I hit my all-time low. For the
first time in 21 years I found myself literally crying out to God. I
was on the freeway sobbing and asking Him for something, even though I
couldn't put into words what I needed. It was a messy, raw, painful
drive home. I drove out to Riverside with my brother in the pasenger
seat and I drove home alone. I had never felt more desperate for some
kind of comfort or peace than today. All I wanted was confirmation
that my brother would come out of this detox clean and healthy and on
a new path. I do not have this guarantee or this comfort as of yet. It
may be because rehab was such a regular part of my fathet's life as I
was growing up. Rehab never made any permanent changes with him. I
want so much more than this for my brother. He needs and deserves so
much more than this.

Please pray